RECORD REVIEW

THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING

VARIOUS ARTISTS - THOSE ROCK'N'ROLL ANSWER SONGS (Silly Records SR 8012/3)

This review appeared in Brother, Can You Spare A Rhyme by Spencer Leigh (2000).

The easiest way to write a song is if someone else has written it before you. Sounds flippant? Well, no, during the rock’n’roll era, roughly the decade from 1955 onwards, some artists did very well by simply answering established hit records. If the record posed a question (“Are You Lonesome Tonight?, “Who Put The Bomp?”), the matter was simple: your song could be called “Yes, I’m Lonesome Tonight” or “I Put The Bomp”. Jim Reeves’ “He’ll Have To Go” became Jeanne Black’s “He’ll Have To Stay”. Many of the records made the US charts, and there were even answer versions to answer versions: the Drifters’ “Save The Last Dance For Me” prompted Damita Jo’s reply, “I’m Saving The Last Dance For You”, but Billy Fury was convinced “You’re Having The Last Dance With Me”.

There were, it should be said, answer versions before rock’n’roll. The American soldiers responded to “It’s A Long Way To Tipperary” with “It May Be Far To Tipperary (It’s A Longer Way To Tennessee)”, and we also had “When I Met You Last Night In Dreamland”, “Minnie The Moocher’s Wedding Day” and “Since Bill Bailey Came Home”. Hank Williams followed “Cold Cold Heart” with “My Cold, Cold Heart Is Melted Now”, recorded by Kitty Wells, and he liked the new tune so much that he used it for “Your Cheatin’ Heart”.

Responding to “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” is an industry in itself - “Run Rudolph Run” by Chuck Berry,“They Shined Up Rudolph’s Nose” by Johnny Horton, “Rudolph The Flat-Nosed Reindeer” by Homer and Jethro, “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Redneck” by Bob Livingston, and I’m sure I once heard a record about Rudolph being breathalysed.

In recent years Bear Family have issued three superbly-packaged CDs of answer versions in their series, “…And The Answer Is” (BCD 15791/2/3), but as the CDs combine the familiar originals with their follow-ups, it is an expensive way to acquire what are, for the most part, rubbish, and I don’t possess them. Still, there are some hilarious titles. Patsy Cline’s “She’s Got You” was answered by Judy’s “She Can Have You”, while Bobby Vee’s “Take Good Care Of My Baby” became Ralph Emery’s “I’ll Take Good Care Of Your Baby”.

Now, two German CDs have appeared on import in the UK, “Those Rock’n’Roll Answer Songs” (Silly Records SR 8012/3), with each volume containing 29 answer versions. Technically, they are a disaster as many tracks have been dubbed from scratchy singles. I thought something could be done about that nowadays, but the single of “Leavin’ Surf City” by Dave and the Saints is in such poor condition that the track is faded out halfway through. A hi-fi magazine wouldn’t look at these albums, but I draw this answering service to your attention because the CDs are packed with rare oddities.

Most artists are unknown or hide under a pseudonym - Joni Credit, the Emperor, Cook E Jarr - but there are recognisable names. In 1959 Carole King had been flattered that Neil Sedaka had dedicated “Oh Carol” to her and she responded with the Tennessee-styled ”Oh Neil”.

“I’d even give up a month’s supply of chewing tobaccy,
Just to be known as Mrs Neil Sedaccy.”

She also responded to Annette’s “Tall Paul” with “Short Mort”, probably to amuse her fellow Brill Building songwriter, Mort Shuman. Within a few months, Carole would write such sublime songs as “Will You Love Me Tomorrow” but there’s no indication of such promise here.

Ray Stevens has made several excellent comedy records including “Bridget The Midget” and “The Streak”, and he responds to “Deck Of Cards” with “High School Yearbook” telling of a boy whose playing cards remind him of school. This feeble rewrite must have taken all of five minutes.

Jody Miller had some success as a pop and country singer in the 60s, recording the teen anthem, “Home Of The Brave”. Her response to Roger Miller’s quirky “King Of The Road”, “Queen Of The House”, made the US Top 20 and both songs won Grammys. “Queen Of The House” is a witty lyric in its own right, and Gloria Becker’s answer to “Sixteen Tons”, “Sixteen Pounds”, is also about an overworked housewife.

The country singers, Sheb Wooley and Ferlin Husky, recorded scores of parodies under their alter egos, Ben Colder and Simon Crum, respectively. Wooley almost called himself Klon Dyke. Simon Crum’s portrait of his girlfriend, “Enormity In Motion”, is not very PC, but such reservations were unknown in 1961.

“Enormity in motion,
When we swim at school,
She cause such commotion,
She overflows the pool”

Still, it’s minor league when compared to Colder’s answer to “Don’t Go Near The Indians”, “Don’t Go Near The Eskimos”, not included here but a US country No.l. Homer and Jethro’s daft parodies include “The Battle Of Kookamonga” for “The Battle Of New Orleans”, but the collection goes with Jerry Wilson’s “The Battle Of Trip-O-Lee”. The US disc-jockey, Jim Nesbitt, had several minor country hits including a nudist parody of “Running Bear”, “Runnin’ Bare”.

Sometimes the artists cut their own answer versions, the most famed example being David Bowie who updated “Space Oddity” with “Ashes To Ashes”. The doowop quintet, the Bobbettes, followed their “Mr Lee” with “I Shot Mr Lee”. Jan and Dean continued their 1959 hit single, “Baby Talk” 14 singles later with “She’s Still Talking Baby Talk”. Gary Paxton led the Hollywood Argyles through “Alley Oop” and followed it through with a solo single, “Alley Oop Was A Two-Dab Man”. Pat Boone recorded a hit song about a Mexican cartoon character, Speedy Gonzales. Mel Blanc provided the one-liners and Mel himself followed “Speedy Gonzales” with “The Tiajuana Ball” in which Speedy gabbles about modern dances like “The Locomotion”. In each of these cases, you wonder why they bothered.

In real life, Tom Dooley was hanged, but that didn’t stop the answer versions. The Liverpool singer-songwriter Russ Hamilton’s “Reprieve Of Tom Dooley” was banned by some America radio stations for mocking their history. Merle Kilgore told the story of “Tom Dooley Jr” and in this collection, we have the Balladeers copying the Kingston Trio with “Tom Gets The Last Laugh”: the rope on the gallows was too long and he was able to escape. There was such a fad for Tom Dooley songs that maybe Frank Sinatra should have dedicated “A Swingin’ Affair” to him. Stella Johnson continued the story of a bad gambler with “The Trial Of Stagger Lee”, while Barry Frank audaciously reworked Kurt Weill’s sparkling lyric for “Mack The Knife” as “Mackie Got Married”. Dudley reworked the western saga “El Paso” as an unappetising “El Pizza”, but I enjoyed Bill Robinson’s “Ringo’s Curse” - “Who shot the guy that shot the guy that shot the guy that shot Ringo?”

Claude King’s “Wolverton Mountain” is a country classic, and was quickly followed by Jo Ann Campbell, “(I’m The Girl On) Wolverton Mountain”, both of which made the US Top 40. John Zacherle, a US-TV host of horror movies, had his own hit with “Dinner With Drac”, but I’d never heard “I’m The Ghoul From Wolverton Mountain” before. Scary Spice is more frighening than this.

Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” is a gift for parodists, but Joni Credit’s “A Girl Named Harry” adds little to the saga. Far better is Sue’s songwriter, Shel Silverstein, giving his dad equal time in “The Father Of A Boy Named Sue” from his much-neglected LP, “Songs And Stories”. Silverstein also recorded the hilarious song, “A Front Row Seat To Hear Ole Johnny Cash”, about someone who is prepared to go to jail to see his hero perform.

When the original is a comedy song, it should be easy to write something funny. Should be. These CDs contain Jeff Hughes’ “Our Spaceman Did Come Back” (“My Boomerang Won’t Come Back”), The Emperor’s “I’m Normal” and Henry IX’s “Don’t Take Me Back Oh No” (both based on “They’re Coming To Take Me Away Ha-Haaa!”), Jan and Jerry’s “Bandstand Baby” (“All American Boy”), the Jayhawks’ “Betty Brown” (“Charlie Brown”) and Mann Drake’s “The Vampire Ball” (“The Monster Mash”). Not a titter. Much better is Sandra Gould’s answer to “Hello Muddah Hello Faddah” called “Hello Melvin, This Is Mama”:

“Though we love you like we oughta
Don’t come home because we’ve taken in a boarder.”

The songwriter Barry Mann had a US hit with “Who Put The Bomp” and the answer version was recorded by Frankie Lymon, Morecambe and Wise, and, on this collection, Bob and Jerry. The Royal Teens’ question “Who Wears Short Shorts?” was answered by another one, Cook E Jarr’s “Who Wears Hot Pants?” Connie Francis’ “Who’s Sorry Now?” led to the Shields’ apologetic “I’m Sorry Now”, although the melody is different. The request to “Tell Laura I Love Her” brought forth Marilyn Michaels’ “Tell Tommy I Miss Him”.

The Angels’ 1963 US No.l, “My Boyfriend’s Back”, prompted Bobby Comstock’s wimpish “Your Boyfriend’s Back”. A punkish rewrite came from Alice Donut - “My boyfriend’s back and he’s going to kick your ass.” Dion told of “Runaround Sue” but Ginger and the Snaps declared “I’m No Runaround” and the relationship had a happy ending as Danny Jordan sang “Runaround Sue’s Getting Married”. The Four Seasons’ hits prompted “Jerry, I’m Your Sherry” (Tracey Day) and “Society Girl” (The Rag Dolls), and Neil Sedaka’s “Making Up Is Fun To Do” (Tina Powers) and “Calendar Boy” (Stacey Ames). Actually, “Calendar Boy” is just “Calendar Girl” with a sex change. Same with Eddie Holman’s update of Ruby and the Romantics’ “Hey There Lonely Boy”, retitled “Hey There Lonely Girl” and the best track on the CDs.

Some of the answer versions are decidedly weird. What inspired the Flying Saucers’ canine reply to the Who, “My Kennel-ration”?

“You can call me stupid mutt,
Just as long as you feed my gut.”

Why should the Caretakers’ respond to Tiny Tim with your “Get Your Tippy Toes Off My Tulips”? “Eve Of Destruction” raised serious issues and the Spokesmen took a pro-nuke reply, “Dawn Of Correction”, into the US Top 40.

Did Brian Wilson give permission for Cagle and Klender to rewrite “California Girls” as “Ocean City Girls”? Certainly, in the UK, permission has to be be sought, and the Barron Knights were turned down by the Beatles and then Tim Rice, who didn’t think a lyric about vacuum cleaners suited “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina”. The Barron Knights also faced opposition from David Bowie’s publishers but they met the Thin White Duke on “Top Of The Pops” and he okayed a feline “Space Oddity.

Stan Freberg was allowed to parody numerous 50s hits - “Heartbreak Hotel”, “The Great Pretender”, “The Banana Boat Song (Day-O)” - and he did them so amusingly that the artists were flattered, although Johnnie Ray disliked his “Cry”. Weird Al Yankovic, a latter-day Stan Freberg, must have famous friends as he has been able to parody Michael Jackson (“Eat It”) and Nirvana (“Smells Like Nirvana”.)

As far as I know, no-one has answered the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe”, although it would be ideal. Madonna’s hits have not been answered, but in this collection, the Slightly Twisted Disappointer Sisters perform “No More Madonna”, based on Frankie Avalon’s “De De Dinah” from 1958 with a touch of Dion’s “Donna The Prima Donna”. With a 27 year difference, it may be the longest time from an original to an answer version.

The 58 songs on these 2CDs include answers to “Bobby’s Girl”, “Duke Of Earl”, “He’s A Rebel”, “My Guy”, “There Goes My Baby” and even “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini”. They are no better than the ones I have written about, and, of course, a song called “Mrs James, I’m Mrs Brown’s Daughter” couldn’t possibly be any good. No matter, these question no-marks are very entertaining and I’m glad to have these CDs in my collection. I hope the vogue for answer records returns sometime, but Beatle fans would say Oasis have already started the revival.

Spencer Leigh